For many children with autism, emotional regulation can be one of the most significant challenges they face. Some may struggle to identify how they’re feeling, while others have difficulty calming themselves when those emotions become overwhelming. If we’re honest, most of us struggle with feelings like these at some point. This is where co-regulation becomes essential. It’s a critical process in which a trusted adult supports a child through their emotions by offering comfort, guidance, and modeling calming strategies.
However, co-regulation is just one part of the equation. The ultimate goal is self-regulation – teaching children to manage their emotions and behaviors independently. This shift from co-regulation to self-regulation doesn’t happen overnight. It’s a gradual process requiring consistency, patience, and a safe environment where kids can practice and build their emotional skills.
Understanding the roles of co-regulation and self-regulation in development is key to supporting our learners, especially children with autism. Here’s a closer look at each concept, why they matter, and how caregivers can help foster emotional independence.
What Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is a shared emotional process where an adult helps a child manage their emotions or behaviors. Think of it as providing external support when a child cannot calm themselves.
It might look like soothing a crying toddler, offering a hug to a distraught child, or gently guiding someone toward a coping tool like deep breathing.
This process is anchored in safety and validation. By being calm and supportive, adults can help children understand that their feelings are normal and manageable and won’t overwhelm their environment.
A helpful mantra is to “be the thermostat, not the thermometer.” Set the tone instead of reacting to the child’s emotional highs and lows. If a child is anxious or frustrated, match their needs with a calm, steady presence.
For example, if a child panics due to sensory overload, being a calming force can help guide them rather than escalating the situation further. You can validate their emotions by saying, “I see this is really hard for you right now,” while also staying composed to model how to approach the situation.
What Is Self-Regulation?
Self-regulation is the ability to independently manage emotions, behaviors, and sensory input. It involves recognizing feelings, using coping strategies, and adjusting emotional responses when circumstances change. While it’s often seen as a skill developed by adults, even adults can sometimes find themselves relying on others for co-regulation. And that’s okay.
For children, particularly those with autism, developing self-regulation involves consistent practice, guidance, and patience. It’s not about reaching a point where they never need support; self-regulation is about increasing independence over time.
And achieving this independence can have remarkable effects. Learners who can self-regulate often feel more confident, engage positively in social interactions, and handle situations like losing a game or following group rules more effectively.
However, it’s important to remember that self-regulation is a goal that requires a strong foundation rooted in co-regulation. Children must feel supported before they can develop the ability to process and manage emotions on their own.
Why Are Co-Regulation & Self-Regulation Important for Children with Autism?
For children with autism, regulating emotions may be especially difficult due to challenges with impulse control, sensory processing, and/or understanding social cues. Things in the environment that others might not notice may feel overwhelming to them, making co-regulation even more critical.
Caregivers and educators often serve as the “safe people” in these children’s lives. They create a structured and emotionally supportive space where kids feel understood and can begin to work through emotions without fear.
Co-regulation teaches children that it’s okay to feel big emotions. When a trusted adult validates and stabilizes these feelings, it gives the child the confidence to explore their own regulation strategies over time.
Self-regulation, when achieved, allows children to experience greater independence and form stronger social connections. For instance, a child who effectively manages frustration during a disagreement can maintain friendships more easily. With these new skills, navigating everyday life becomes less overwhelming.
How to Transition from Co-Regulation to Self-Regulation
While co-regulation lays the foundation, consistent practice and modeling can help move children closer to self-regulation. Here are some practical strategies to guide this transition:
1. Model Regulation Yourself
Children learn by watching the adults around them. When you experience frustration, talk about how you’re feeling and manage it in a healthy way.
For example, you might say, “I’m feeling overwhelmed. I’m going to take three deep breaths to calm down.” Doing this out loud demonstrates that emotions are normal and manageable.
2. Teach Emotional Awareness
Help children recognize and name their emotions so they can understand and express their feelings. Go beyond basic emotions like “happy” or “sad” to include concepts like “frustrated,” “disappointed,” or “excited.”
Visual tools like emotion thermometers can help children identify what they’re feeling and the intensity of that feeling.
3. Validate Their Feelings
Validating emotions means letting children know it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling. Comments like “I can see that this is really important to you” or “It’s okay to feel upset when things don’t go how you wanted” help build trust and encourage a child to process emotions rather than avoid or suppress them.
4. Introduce Coping Strategies
Gradually teach tools like deep breathing, counting to ten, or using a sensory toolkit. Practice these strategies during calm moments so they’re familiar and accessible when emotions run high.
5. Use Visual Supports
Charts, contingency maps, and choice boards can be visual reminders for children to use coping skills. For example, having a “calm down toolbox” filled with sensory fidgets or breathing exercises can empower children to regulate themselves more independently.
6. Celebrate Small Wins
Regulation is a long-term process. Progress is often slow, but every small step counts. When a child uses a coping tool independently or expresses their emotions appropriately, celebrate it! Positive reinforcement helps build confidence and encourages continued growth.
It’s important to remember that emotional regulation is not a sprint, but a marathon. Co-regulation and self-regulation are crucial for development and will look different for every child. Some learners may rely on co-regulation longer, and that’s perfectly okay. The goal is progress, not perfection.
You’re setting children up for long-term success by remaining patient and consistent. Whether they need immediate assistance managing overwhelming feelings or learning to regulate independently, your support lays the foundation for their growth.
Co-regulation and self-regulation work hand in hand to form a powerful framework for helping children with autism thrive. By guiding them with empathy, structure, and understanding, we’re teaching learners that emotions are manageable and that they can navigate the world in their own way.
